Teaching kids the power of consent
This blog post covers the following topics:
A little note from Charlotte:
I have been deeply moved and devastated by the news in recent weeks about the murder of primary school teacher Sabina Nessa and the trial for the murder of Sarah Everard.
Both women were attacked as they were walking alone of an evening and it would be so easy to continue the rhetoric of 'they shouldn't have been walking home alone' - but who is that helping? This only makes us feel even more fearful, disempowered and unsafe.
This isn't to say let's all go out late at night and take risks; but I feel the conversation needs to be steered in a more helpful direction.
What can we do?
We need to change the story when it comes to the abuse of girls and women, whether that's being wolf-whistled at by a man in a van, or something more sinister.
The solution lies not with women and girls being even more careful. The solution lies in teaching every single child and teen (and adult that will listen) the importance of consent, saying no, respecting other people's wishes and listening to our intuitions.
I feel so sad, heavy and powerless about all of this, as I’m sure many of you do, too. Nothing I post on social media will do anything to bring those girls back or bring their loved ones peace.
And yet, I work with children every single day and if you follow my page or read my newsletter, my best guess is you either have your own or work with them, too. For this reason, this blog post is dedicated to ending violence against women by giving you ideas for talking about these topics with the children you come into contact with.
It feels like an insurmountable challenge and one where we just don't know where to start; but we have to start somewhere because that has to be better than where we are right now.
Asking for permission before giving a hug, tickling or touching is really important
It might sound ridiculous but when we ask a child's permission before touching them, we encourage their sense of bodily autonomy (that is the feeling of being in control of their body's choices), and that's something we ALL need as we grow up and start to explore the world of relationships and sex.
Asking 'would you like a massage?' or 'please can I have a hug?' offers children the opportunity to do what feels right for them and also makes it much easier for them to say no. Sometimes we just don't want to be fussed and we're just not in the mood for a hug and we need to teach kids that that is okay, and there's no shame in it.
Yes you are a loving parent and yes you are probably their safe person, but who better to practice this with than someone that loves you and makes you feel safe?
We all deserve to be listened to and to be respected and if we're demonstrating that we respect a child's 'no' from a very young age, they will come to expect that same level of respect from friends and partners as they grow up. They'll also be able to recognise when they aren't getting that respect and so make empowered choices about what types of friends and partners they really want to have.
TRY THIS
Get into the habit of offering and giving fun massages each day either with your kids at home or with kids in class (peer massage). Not only is it a daily lesson in respect and consent, but you'll have much calmer kids with it!
Always begin by asking 'would you like a massage?'
Respect a 'no' and offer alternatives like giving themselves a massage
Encourage feedback if it feels uncomfortable, i.e. 'please can you do it a bit softer?'
Say thank you!
No means NO
Not long ago I was working with a lovely family with a little girl who was 3 at the time who HUGELY inspired me to start respecting my own boundaries a bit more (I've changed names to protect privacy)*
They had spent the afternoon at another girl's birthday party and at one point during the party, the birthday girl asked Lily* if they could swap dresses for the party. Lily replied, 'no thank you, I really love my dress' which resulted in a total outburst of tears and upset from the other child.
When she told me this story, Lily's Mum said, "I could see this girl was very upset and her Mum was looking at me as if to say, 'come on, be kind', so I asked Lily if she wouldn't mind swapping dresses just for ten minutes and again she responded with 'no Mummy, I don't want to'. I could have just dismissed it and asked her to 'be kind and share', but I realised this was a huge learning opportunity. Lily had stood her ground, faced a lot of discomfort because of it and still didn't succumb to that pressure."
Both girls learned a lot here:
For Lily, she learned that people won't always like her boundaries and they might even upset people she cares about, but that doesn't mean she should ignore her own needs and wants
For the birthday girl, she learned that despite someone being a really good friend, they still have the power to say no or stop and it's important we respect that
TRY THIS:
Next time your child protects one of their boundaries by saying 'no thank you' or 'I'm not comfortable with that', respect it and praise it. Saying no to sharing your favourite dress can easily translate to being able to say no to being touched inappropriately as that child grows up. We're supporting them to be comfortable even when it's uncomfortable and continue doing what they need to do to feel safe, respected and happy.
Use role play with your child's toys or even with your child themselves to practice saying no. How many different ways to say ‘no’ are there? And remember, no is a complete sentence and we don’t always need to explain ourselves.
Resources for you to use
If you're looking for child-friendly ways to explain consent, bodily autonomy and safe boundaries, I hope the links below will be helpful:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3nhM9UlJjc - a fun and simple video to explain consent to children
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZwvrxVavnQ - a video about consent for teens and adults
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqHh5ki_y20&t=7s - a short video about saying no
Books:
My Body! What I Say Goes! (suitable for ages 3-10) https://www.amazon.com/Body-What-Say-Goes.../dp/1925089266
No Means No! (suitable for ages 2-10) https://www.amazon.com/No-Means-boundaries.../dp/1925089223
Respect: Consent, Boundaries and Being in Charge of You! (suitable for 6-10 years) https://www.amazon.co.uk/Respect-Consent.../dp/152636221
A short and simple video explaining consent for adults!