5 tips for a calmer Christmas on the spectrum
I wanted to write this blog post before advent calendars get torn open and your shopping trips (hopefully) begin because Christmas has always been a tricky time in my family and I hope our experiences can help you and yours.
My brother is autistic and has learning difficulties. We somehow managed 17 years without a diagnosis for Tom, but once he got it, everything began to make sense. His sensory-seeking behaviours like banging tables with his hands and making funny noises all began to highlight to us when he was in a state of stress or anxiety.
Things got harder and harder as the years went by for Tom at Christmas. He wouldn't sleep, eat properly and his demands and aggressive behaviour only seemed to get worse each December. Once we got the diagnosis, we began to approach things differently, so here are my family's strategies that we've learned from the last 20 years that I hope will not only give you comfort if any of this rings true for you, but also give you tangible solutions to the struggles your family may face.
We no longer build Christmas up to a huge crescendo. Years of meltdowns on December 24th, 23rd, 22nd (and so on and so forth), mean that we've learned we have to treat Christmas like just another day. I think this one is important for a lot of children, whether they're on the spectrum or not. We're celebrating Christmas much earlier this year (because, well, BOREDOM) and with songs on the radio, decorations around the house and different family traditions being planned, we're constantly reminding children of this huge, exciting event that's coming up. And then there's the advent calendar which reminds them daily how many sleeps there are to go. I'd happily say I'm one of the world's biggest kids when it comes to Christmas and I love it, but I think this prolonged build up can be problematic when it fuels a low-level but unrelenting anxiety in children that grows each time the radio comes on.
My parents don't decorate the house or put up any Christmas cards. I secretly think this one pleases my Step-dad, but don't tell him I said that! This took until last year for us to try but it made such a difference when we did. Tom was so chilled out about Christmas and the day itself was so much calmer than it's ever been for all of us. This goes hand in hand with my earlier point of not building Christmas up to something really big and exciting and goes to show that you can still have a lovely time without the frantic family events and crazy levels of spending on gifts.
Tom has social stories and a clear and simple plan for what to expect each day. Because the anticipation of Christmas is so overwhelming for him, we don't go through the plan for each day until the morning of. This plan states who is coming to visit, who will bring presents and what presents they will bring (presents are a huge trigger for him). This might sound severe but Tom knows that Christmas in our family means presents but not knowing the full extent of those gifts (how many, what they'll be etc.) just causes him huge anxiety which comes out in aggressive, confrontational or sensory-seeking behaviours.
Tom has a room he can go to for some time out, wherever we are. It might be different this Christmas, but we've learned that it's really important he has somewhere he can go when the house gets too noisy and things feel overwhelming. He isn't forced to come out of this room for our benefit (i.e. family traditions like eating dinner together) and whilst this has been a difficult thing to accept; it just isn't fair for us to expect him to join in when joining in sends his stress levels through the roof. This also means we don’t usually take him anywhere that doesn’t offer this space to cool down.
We keep Tom busy in the lead up to Christmas with non-Christmassy things. Tom is 20 now and fully capable of doing his own Christmas shopping, if he wishes to. We tried giving him the opportunity to shop for people for a few years and though he enjoyed it; busy, noisy shops full of potential gifts he himself would like to receive, meant that it just wasn't a sensible option. Instead, he continues with his day-to-day timetable (structure is really helpful for him), and our friends and family know not to spring surprises on him like exchanging gifts early to leave them under the Christmas tree where he'll see them (and undoubtedly get into such a state over the temptation that he'll open them early).
Christmas this year might be very different from what all of us are hoping for, so I don't think it's too early to begin managing expectations and planning for a calmer Christmas period. For YEARS we struggled and it seemed like no one could understand why we had to hide gifts in sock drawers and keep all talk of Christmas in broken Italian or Spanish in the hope that he wouldn't clock.
If this sounds like you, please know that we see you, we think you’re doing a fantastic job and we'll be thinking of you this year as you get through it any way you can.
